time flies whether you're having fun or not

So 17 years ago on Cinco de Mayo I was at my dad's funeral. He had been dead for 3 days by this point, and it still felt surreal and impossible. Brad and I were talking the other day about my dad and how I've never even really told someone everything I felt about it and what was going on in my little world during all of it. I think the only person that's heard about it was my 12th grade English teacher, Mrs. Catani because we had to write a paper on an experience with death. That was the first time I'd ever actually gone back over every detail of that week and it was not really fun to think about - so maybe that's why I've never really talked about it. When I saw my dad fall from the cherry picker thing and land on the sidewalk I was so worried of course, but my first thought was- we just have to have faith and he'll be okay. They hurried and put my little sister and brother and I in our car and took us down the street so that we didn't have to see him like that and see when the ambulance came. I kept telling Amy and Andy we just needed to have faith and he'd be okay. And I started a fast as soon as it happened and said I wasn't ever going to eat again until I knew he'd be okay. That was the worst few hours of my life.... Just that time of uncertainty and not knowing what was going to happen. My older brothers came over to the house where we were and my brother Ammon called my dad's parents and told them dad had fallen and been hurt and to come up to Idaho. Then we knelt down as little brothers and sisters and said a prayer. I wish that was still my brothers first place to turn- was to God. We went to the hospital and went into a room with a table where my mom was and Anneke and her friend Mindy were there and my Uncle Ron and a couple of other people. My mom told us dad died and I don't really remember anything else after that until we got to the car and I asked my brother Aaron who was going to call me Bugsy now (that was my dads nickname for me). Aaron said he would always call me Bugsy- which by the way he never does. The rest of the week is blurry. I just remember lots of people coming over and hugging us, and I remember food not sounding good. I went to my aunt and uncles house the night he died because I didn't like to be home. It felt SO wierd to be in my house and know my dad wasn't coming back there. Friends of my aunt and uncles brought food to their house for them as a sign of sympathy and I remember standing on their stairs and they were telling someone what had happened and they didn't get the details right and I felt so angry that they weren't saying it right. Like they weren't doing justice to my dad or something. That was wierd of me. But anyway. It was really wierd having my cousins all around for the funeral because I was so confused. I would be playing with them and then remember why they were there. It was such a bad confusing unhappy feeling. But we did have a lot of good people around us and tons of support.

It's crazy to me that it's been so long. 17 years! I was only 10- I barely knew him. But I'm so grateful for the hope we can have for a better world and for eternity because of the Savior. I'm grateful for angels. Everyone should read or reread the talk by Elder Holland from the Oct 08 General Conference..Ministry of Angels. It always seems wierd to think about there actually being angels that are aware of us and help us, and when I hear other people's experiences where they've felt angels around them it's kind of strange for me. But I don't know why- because I've had my own experiences and KNOW that they are real. I'm grateful that even when people die they are aware of us and can help us and protect us and be a part of our lives.

I know it's been a long time since I've posted and this maybe isn't the most enjoyable post for most people and may bore some- but I am just thankful for my dad and wanted to share how much I miss him, but also how thankful I am that I know he is near.